I Learned Something

Tonight I stood outside and watched the snow falling around me. I know that it's not the kind of thing that people often to and expect to learn, but I did. I stood there, soul searching, wondering what it was that I was missing, what it could be that I didn't get. As I stood there, deep in thought, I took note of all the beauty, of all the splendor found in such a thing as snow. I began to think of all the small miracles that were happening around me, of all the wonders which I had always taken for granted.
While I was in this daze, this effective coma, I opened my mouth ever so slightly, without even thinking of it. A snowflake hit my tongue, not a large one, or a perfect one. It was simple and plain, so far as snowflakes go. I dismissed it.
I waited, and looking back on that one snowflake, I had hoped that another, more grand snowflake would hit my tongue. That was the perfect moment that I was looking for. I waited, and waited, and waited. No other ever came to my lips, much less my tongue. I struggled; I twisted and contorted, trying to get that one perfect snowflake.
No flake came to my lips. Instead, what came was a word, "Already." I had already had that one perfect moment, yet I dismissed it entirely. Perfection had already come to my lips, but I was so busy drowning in my own thoughts, in my own questions, in my narcissism, that I had scarcely noticed, much less appreciated that moment.
There it was, my moment of perfect realization. In that instant I realized that all along, whilst I've been complaining and searching, everything has been perfect. It always has been and always will be. Everything I have seen, touched, felt has been perfect, and I just never noticed it. As I sit at my computer at 1:34AM, writing this small tribute to an idea that I can never convey in its entirety, I know that it is still perfect. I know that I am perfect, that you are perfect, that this small time which I hold even now is perfect.
Why, why is this all so perfect?
I'll tell you why. It's perfect becau...

No.
No, it doesn't need a reason.
It does not need an explanation.
Perfection simply is.

The Lemon/Lime Fiasco

So, I did carry through with my idea of sewing the lemon to the lime. However, I did not run into those damned evangelists again. So, instead of throwing it at their feet, I opted to leave it in the lounge on my floor. It garnered a surprising amount of support. Apparently though, that's also called blasphemy.
Today, I got my punishment. Of all the things that God could have done to punish me, bolts of lightning, the plagues of Egypt, all that cool stuff, he chooses to take a dump on me. Quite literally. As I was walking back to my building after picking up some liquid nails (fixed the mirror by the way) I got shat on my some damnable bird. Of all luck... I have never been shat on by a bird before, and hope to never undergo that experience again. Thank god I didn't have a shotgun.
Apparently, god doesn't like blasphemy. Go figure. It seems like the big guy can't take a joke.

Lemons and Limes

I have a plan. Tomorrow, at lunch maybe, I'm going to use a meal option to buy a single lemon, and a single lime. I will slice them in half, and sew one half of the lemon to one half of the lime, using my trusty, emergency sewing kit. Then, I will look for those damned evangelists that come by every so often. If and when I spot them, I will throw this monstrosity at their feet and proclaim, "Where is your god now!?"
At this point I'll probably be arrested, but hopefully they'll get the message. They have their beliefs, I have mine. It would be better for both of us if we didn't force our beliefs on each other. Seriously, I haven't found Jesus. I'm not going to. Stop asking me. What kind of zealots can't even keep track of there own god, always asking people if they've found him?
That's just irresponsible.

I've Come To Understand...

That certain people feel as though I am "abandoning my friends." This could easily seem to be the case, so I do not blame them for feeling so, but here's what's really going on...

I've always had to make a conscious effort to make plans with people. I have always been the one saying "let's hang out." Well, now I have a lot of things to take care of. I have responsibilities that I must abide by. Said responsibilities leave me with little energy and little time, so I no longer make the effort that I once did, figuring that my friends will pick up the slack. Thing is, they didn't. Real friendships go both ways, and aren't based on one person asking the other to hang out. Things shouldn't be one sided.

But they are.

Also, things change. I'm not the same as I was a year ago, or a year before that, and next year I won't be the same as I am now. That said, here's the deal: Keep up with me, or I'll leave you behind. Does it suck? Yeah. But that's the way my life goes. I've never stayed in one place, in one click, in one manner, for more than a couple of years. Either you accept me, and all of my changes; either you come with me whilst I move into the future; either you make the effort that any true friend would, or I will leave you behind.

I never look back.

It's Been A While

I know; I know. It's been a long time since I've made a post. Honestly though, I don't give much of a damn, because no one really reads this crap anyway. I've been busy this summer, as I suppose I should be, it being my summer before college and all that shit. Anyway, here's a brief synopsis of everything since my last post...
I graduated, woohoo, blah blah blah. So I've got this little slip of paper that says that I've completed more school that 35% of the population of this town. It's nice to be out of high school though, what with all its people whom I've struggled with myself over whether or not to kill. After graduation, I've lost interest in most of the people I once called friends. I'm not sure if it's because of the way I've always lived my life, the fact that I've changed, or simply that they weren't very interesting people to begin with.
I got a job. Yeah, I'm back at the fish market again. Every day when I get home, I wash my hands in vinegar, soap, Ajax, and cologne. Then I take my 20 minute shower. Because I spend 7-10 hours every day in a cooler, I have a bit of a winter cough and often a full blown cold. Bog Woop.
I'm still going out with Melissa, and we've never been better. She's still the love of my life, and I doubt it's going to change. I've spent just about every weekend with her and loved them.
When not spending time with Melissa or fish, I spend it with the friends that I'll never see again. Oh wait, no I don't. Most of the people I've been spending time with are the people that I'll be spending the next 4-5 years of my life with. I guess no one else is really that worth-while.
That's about that. Maybe later on I'll post some stories about specific events. Maybe I won't. Who knows? Who cares?

Woodstock

Today I did not photograph a young man sitting at the mouth of an alley, playing guitar and singing, next to a jar with a few pennies in it. I did not look him in the eye or drop any money for him. I did not buy anything from the store which sold meaningless baubles, nor did I photograph the crystal carousel sitting on the shelf.
I did not stop to chat with anyone, even though a couple of people tried to stop with me. I did not take a picture of the motorcycle gang walking out of the quilt supply store, each with their own bag of cloth and thread.
Today I did not appreciate antiquities, nor did I buy a good looking copy of Beelzebub's Tales to His Grandchildren. I did not eat at one of the numerous local restaurants. I did not bask in the afternoon sun, but rather avoided it in the humid air. I did not confront any of the people that I wanted to, any of the people that would have probably been able to tell me an amazing story.
I did not live today the way I should have, the way I try to always live my life. I did not learn anything today, or hear an amazing story, or meet an amazing person. I had every opportunity, but I wasted it, and I regret blowing the chance when I had it.

The Insomniacs Dream...

In the dead of night, Insomniacs dream of dawn. I know this to be true. I belong to this unfortunate culture, this pathetic mass of people unable to slide into that comfortable space between waking moments. I wonder how my life might be different if I slept as the rest of the world did. Would I still be as curious about life? Would I still have all the time wanted to ponder questions that no one has ever asked me? I don't think so.
Maybe it's not as true as I thought. When I lie awake at night, I only wish for the dawn because it brings a second wind with it, the resetting of my inner clock, and ability to stay awake for another day. Perhaps the insomniacs dream is not dawn. Perhaps for some the dream is that of sleep, the dream of dreams itself. For me, however, the dream is that of an end to dreams, the need to never sleep again.

Oh sweet dawn of day, come bare me away to glorious new times where the wicked never rest nor do the righteous ever sleep. Oh merciful gods come give me a cure for this wretched disease o'er which I weep. My dear deities, I yearn for thee in the dark, whilst I chase spirits from my mind, awaiting the cries of the lark. Modern amenities, please give me my sweet solace. I need not to dream if I may wake to smell the callas.

In the dead of night, the Insomniacs dream of a dawn fulfilled or a dream destroyed.